Laugh to Not Cry Report: Unreal News for an Unreal World, June 8

By Francesca Fiorentini
Jun 9, 2014
In this edition...
• Jesus Christ Returns, Kisses Obama's Feet. GOP Begins Investigation into Buddhism.
• World Cup: Brazilians Ungrateful to Host Ronaldo's Six Pack 
• BREAKING: Years of Unabated Unquestioned Misogyny Creates Culture of Unabated Unquestioned Misogyny 
• Vodacom Reveals Report on Complicity in Spying, Requests Cookie

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Jesus Christ Returns, Kisses Obama's Feet. GOP Begins Investigation into Buddhism.

Buildings shook and DC tourists stood in awe on Wednesday as the skies opened up over Pennyslvania Avenue to make way for the Second Coming of Christ. The sandaled deity descended onto the White House lawn during a Presidential press conference, and proceeded to kneel down to kiss Mr. Obama's wingtips, before disappearing back into the heavens.

House and Senate Republicans immediately fired back, holding an emergency session to create an investigative committee to, according to Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), "obtain more background on this Jesus fella."  

"At the end of the day we should remember that he did use to be a Jew," Graham told Every Media Outlet That Gives Unwarranted Airtime to the Right Wing. "And the fact the President would allow this kind of security breach on American soil just stinks of Benghazi." 

In the wake of the event, Rep. Michelle Bachman (R-Minn) has established a Spiritual Redirection  Caucus to look into the teachings of the Buddha, Lao Tzu, and L. Ron Hubbard.

World Cup: Brazilians Ungrateful to Host Ronaldo's Six Pack 

Thousands of Brazilians took to the streets on Friday in a massive lack of appreciation for Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo's insanely gorgeous abs. Angry over the $11.5 billion spent on new stadiums instead of health care and education, Brazilians brazenly overlooked the fact that a pricetag cannot placed on the chance to experience firsthand the glistening contours of the footballer's torso. 

Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff defended the economic benefits of hosting the cup. 
"We understand the frustration that many have. Yet if Ronaldo does score a goal and removes his shirt --a very likely possibility-- we are confident that all Brazilians will agree that it was all more than worth it." 

BREAKING: Years of Unabated Unquestioned Misogyny Creates Culture of Unabated Unquestioned Misogyny 

In the aftermath of a 22-year-old's murderous rampage in Santa Barbara, California, Harvard researchers have concluded that decades of pervasive sexism in film and television, the education, health-care, and political systems; and households and communities; have in fact created a culture of sexism in the film and television industry; the education, health-care, and political systems; and even in families and communities. 

Jason Franks, head of the all-male research team, says previous findings were unreliable as they had depended too heavily on the first-hand experiences of women.  

"When we were able to get down to the science of it, the evidence was irrefutable," said Franks. "Our next task is to see how this disturbing trend most impacts men around the world." 

Vodacom Reveals Report on Complicity in Spying, Requests Cookie

Telecom Company Vodacom demanded a cookie on Friday, for revealing to the world that it regularly complies with government requests to spy on its 400 million customers. 

"Ideally soft-baked double chocolate chunk, but chocolate chunk will do," said a Vodacom spokesperson. 

The 40,000-word report spells out that the company is really a good company, and that it's the governments it regularly hands over information to that have some splainin' to do. According to the report, Vodacom only obeys information requests because it "must comply with laws" that have not yet been proven lawful in any court of any law. 

The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the entire War Times project

Francesca Fiorentini is an independent journalist and comedian based in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Before working with War Times she was an editor with Left Turn magazine andWIN: Through Revolutionary Nonviolence, the magazine of the War Resisters League. She writes, produces, and directs the comedy video blog Laugh to Not Cry.  Follow her @franifio

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