Laugh to Not Cry Report: Unreal News for an Unreal World, July 3rd

By Francesca Fiorentini
Jul 2, 2014

"Dying In Misery" an Underrated "Hobby" Write Men of Supreme Court Justice

In back to back rulings the Supreme Court decided that "dying in misery" is its own vastly under-appreciated hobby. Whether pregnant and working minimum wage at a joyless arts and crafts chain where croc-wearers buy dishwasher-safe houseplants, or changing diapers of the elderly with no labor protections, the male majority agreed that having no control over your life can also be "quaintly rewarding". 

BREAKING: God Doesn't Really Watch Soccer 

Despite the unrelenting prayers of players, and goals dedicated in His honor, God admitted Monday that he "isn't paying too much attention the World Cup." In an interview with TMZ, the Divine confessed that the deciding factor in last week's Brazil-Chile match came down to an "accidental toot" he had been "holding in for too long".

US Congress to Send $500 Million to Vegan-Pacifist-Yogi Home-Schooled Syrian Rebels

President Obama is asking Congress to approve a package of $500 million to help only free-range non GMO Syrian rebels. Hoping to avoid training and arming the more unsavory elements of the anti-Assad resistance, the plan will locate the "most sustainable" of the rebels by politely asking if they bring their own bags to the supermarket and if so, do they also "juice". 

35-ft Perimeter Imposed Around Justice Scalia's Junk

Any and all criticism or accountability must maintain a 35 foot distance from Justice Scalia's junk, says a new Supreme Court ruling. The decision was handed down last Friday, in the wake of another Court decision to abolish a perimeter around abortion clinics. According to the justice, he was "sick of baby killers riding my nuts about it" and wanted them to "step off." 

The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the entire War Times project

Francesca Fiorentini is an independent journalist and comedian based in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Before working with War Times she was an editor with Left Turn magazine andWIN: Through Revolutionary Nonviolence, the magazine of the War Resisters League. She writes, produces, and directs the comedy video blog Laugh to Not Cry.  Follow her @franifio

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