Laugh to Not Cry Report: Unreal News for an Unreal World, Feb 6

By Francesca Fiorentini
Feb 6, 2014

•Syrian Civil War Pauses to Observe Oscar NominationsNo Mass Shootings in Past 48 Hou…Nevermind NSA finds Angry Birds not Terrorism Greatest Threat to America'Welfare Queen' Officially Inducted into American Mythological Archive

Syrian Civil War Pauses to Observe Oscar Nominations

Rebel and government forces in Syria agreed to a momentary ceasefire last Sunday to observe the announcement of the 86th Academy Award nominees. Jets grounded and kalashinkovs silenced as Syrian rebels and pro-Assad fighters gathered round dish satellites to see which 'moviemaking heroes' made the cut. Rebels cheered at Jennifer Lawerence's nomination for best supporting actress, while Assad forces beamed at news Leonardo DiCaprio is once again among the best actors.

After the nominees were read, fighting once again broke out between the two sides over whether Sandra Bullock's performance in Gravity truly deserved an Academy's nod.   

No Mass Shootings in Past 48 Hou…Nevermind

The United States experienced a brief pause in its 357-day streak of mass shootings up until the moment that the word 'shootings' was written just now. What appeared to be a much-needed calm from the weekly barrage of random senseless gun violence, has just now ended with another shooting in a Florida schoolyard. However prior to just now, malls, movie theaters, parks, schools, streets and pretty much anywhere that isn't in one's bed alone went through a full 48 hours of calm. 

Chelsea Chang, a frequent mall goer and Juicy Couture fanatic says she enjoyed the short-lived peace.  

"I almost forgot that at any moment of the day an under-loved white dude with a chip on his shoulder and arsenal at home could end my life, and that Congress would still do literally nothing on gun control."

NSA finds Angry Birds not Terrorism Greatest Threat to America

After years of collecting metadata on personal smartphones, the NSA has released a report that indicates that the biggest threat to the United States is not Al Qaeda, but in fact, Angry Birds. The report suggests that the smartphone game is destroying the fabric of American society faster and more effectively than any international terrorist network.  

"Whether while driving, operating heavy machinery, or lying next to their expectant partners in bed, data shows Americans put Angry Birds before their wellbeing and wellbeing of others," remarked an NSA spokesperson.

'Welfare Queen' Officially Inducted into American Mythological Archive

The renowned American Archive of Mythology and Folklore took steps Wednesday to officially accept the 'Welfare Queen' into its prestigious halls. With the cutting of $800 million worth of food stamps and the slashing of unemployment insurance for 1.6 million people, the Archives says it feels certain that the absurd mystique surrounding the 'Welfare Queen' is big enough to be accepted as total and utter fiction.

A bronze statue of the 'Welfare Queen' featuring a heavy-set African-American woman dressed in furs, eating caviar, and riding in a cadillac with her nine children in the backseat, will be inducted into the Archives' museum. It will be placed alongside the statues of the Loch Ness Monster and the Middle Class'.  

The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the entire War Times project

Francesca Fiorentini is an independent journalist and comedian based in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Before working with War Times she was an editor with Left Turn magazine andWIN: Through Revolutionary Nonviolence, the magazine of the War Resisters League. She writes, produces, and directs the comedy video blog Laugh to Not Cry.  Follow her @franifio

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