The Laugh to Not Cry Report for Jan 13: Unreal News for an Unreal World

By Francesca Fiorentini
Jan 14, 2014

Carmen Electra Arrives in Iran Ariel Sharon Redraws the Borders of HellWoman Immediately Regrets Agreeing to Watch Playoff Game in Bro-y PubChristie Aide to be Waterboarded for Answers

Carmen Electra Arrives in Iran

In what many are calling a snub to her ex 9-day hubby, Carmen Electra arrived in Tehran to broker peace between the U.S. and Iran. The model/actress denies any personal motivations behind the trip, which came a week after former husband and NBA superstar Dennis Rodman went to North Korea to help CNN's ratings. Rather, Electra claims her motives are purely political. 

"I'm concerned about the fragile negotiations between Iran and the countries of the P5 plus one," she told reporters. "The Senate is on the verge of passing a new round of sanctions that would totally jeopardize these historic diplomatic efforts and a pathway toward peace." She then went on to discuss CIA involvement in Iran over the last 60 years. 

On Wednesday, Electra will meet with President Hassan Rouhani, coincidentally a fan of the actress' work as Lani in Baywatch Nights. In addition to geopolitics the two will discuss the shoot dates of Scary Movie 14, "Paranuclear Activity".

Ariel Sharon Redraws Borders of Hell

No sooner did former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon arrive in the Underworld than Satan enlist him to help redraw its fiery borders. Given his impressive CV of civilian massacres, border incursions, and total disregard for diplomacy, Satan said he felt that General Sharon would undoubtedly be the "right man for the job." Hell's plans include expanding its nine rings by annexing key swaths of Purgatory with demon-only roads, and building a series of undead settlements inside Heaven. 

Woman Immediately Regrets Agreeing to Watch Playoff Game in Bro-y Pub

A Denver woman reported feeling instantly distressed and fearful for her life after stepping into a local sports bar to watch the NFL playoffs on Sunday. Susan Banks, 32, a fiction blogger who had never sat through a full football game says her cousin's invitation to 'pound wings and watch the Broncs with some buds' sounded like a fun enough plan. But upon gazing out at a sea of twenty-something men wearing backwards baseball caps adorned with Oakleys and jeering at the 18 plasma screens of Smelly O'Tooles that afternoon, Banks says she knew she had made a mistake. 

"My throat began to swell up and I tried to get to the nearest exit, but then the referee made a bad call and there was Coors Light spilling everywhere," she recounted. After three backside and two frontal gropes, Banks eventually made it to the women's restroom, which was marked by a collection of brassieres hanging on the wall outside. 

"I just took deep breaths," she said, "and remembered I was in a safe space, even if there was no lock on the stall door."

Christie Aide to be Waterboarded for Answers

The New Jersey State Assembly voted unanimously Friday to waterboard an aide to governor Chris Christie for his refusal to answer questions about the George Washington Bridge scandal. David Wildstein, former Christie-appointed head of Port Authority NJ, will have his loyalty put to the test this Wednesday when he is scheduled for the procedure. 

"We feel that given the circumstances and the refusal of the witness to cooperate, the use of advanced interrogation tactics is warranted," said Assemblyman John Wisniewski. "If it's good enough for Guantanamo it's good enough for Jersey."

The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the entire War Times project

Francesca Fiorentini is an independent journalist and comedian based in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Before working with War Times she was an editor with Left Turn magazine andWIN: Through Revolutionary Nonviolence, the magazine of the War Resisters League. She writes, produces, and directs the comedy video blog Laugh to Not Cry.  Follow her @franifio

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